Gary Edwards is Cleethorpes Whites Branch President. Gary a well known Author has currently has two books published and is about to publish his third.

“Paint it Whie and Second Coat” are famous books and well worth the read.

Every month Gary will be publishing his monthly blog, which has unique content never seen before.

May Blog

An hour before the final game of the season, at home to Bristol, I bumped into Andy Hartley as I was coming out of the gents. I was trying to comb my grey locks in preparation for a quick TV interview with Norwegian TV.

The interview was beamed back live to Norway (and all over Scandinavia) where half the country seemed to be rooting for Leeds United as they entered the final push for promotion. The other half were here at Elland Road!

Also there for the interview was my old mate from Norway Tore Pedersen the ex Blackburn, Wimbledon and Oldham (When they were all in the Premiership) and Eintracht Frankfurt player. Tore and a few of his travelling buddies had been our guests the night before in our local The Moorgate in Kippax. Last time he was in our pub, before the Huddersfield game he was telling me about when he came to Elland Road with Blackburn Rovers a few years ago. Tore is a massive Leeds fan and has a Leeds tattoo on his wrist, where everyone can see it, including his former teammates. When Gary McAllister scored against Blackburn Tore secretly walked away into a corner and gave what he thought was an unnoticed little Leeds salute. But he had been seen by four of the Blackburn side, who as you can imagine weren’t best pleased with their star defender. To balance things up however, Tore was given the Man of the Match afterwards, so he just about got away with his little show of joy.

I don’t play golf but some of my mates in our taproom are keen golfers and Tore invited one of them, Tim, to join him at his golf club for a round or two whenever he wanted. “ Isn’t it a bit cold in Norway to play golf?” I asked. “Oh it’s not in Norway,” said Tore, “It’s in Spain, just outside Marbella,”

It turns out its not only one of the most exclusive golf clubs in the world, it is also £300,000 for a years membership!

Tim was drooling.

We have also arranged a football game in Kippax between the Norwegians sometime in early December.

Tore proudly announced, we will probably beat you quite easily. To which I informed him that we have some pretty neat footballers in Kippax.

“As well as me, we have got Gunar Halle, Alfie Haaland and Eirik Bakke playing for us.” Said Tore.

I had to respond quickly, so I said, “We’ll get Andy Ritchie,” I said.

“We’ve got him too” said a smug Pedersen.

Ten minutes later I was having a bizzarre telephone conversation with Gunar Halle on Tore’s phone.

The next day we met up again with the Norwegians in the Spencers pub in Leeds, before descending on Elland Road and joining in the carnival atmosphere albeit a bit nervous atmosphere.

In the end we had to wait for the last half-hour of the season for Leeds United to finally stumble over the line to that second automatic spot. 

Much merriment took place in and around Leeds and before heading back to party time in Kippax I spent an hour with the Scandinavians in John T’s bar in the Marriot hotel in Leeds. They were in full song, with their own guitarist.

April Blog

Leeds United don’t do easy do they?

After a seemingly unassailable lead at the top of the division, we now find ourselves scrapping for the second spot and automatic promotion. We had everything we needed to extend our lead with 3 home games on the trot in mid-February but ended up bagging only 4 points from 9. The alarm bells started ringing and very soon, Norwich had taken poll position and then we lost the fight for second place and dropped into the play-off zone. But then you know all this. We are Leeds fans and we’ll be there through thick and thin, because that’s what we do. – and we’re pretty much used to it all by now. We’ve had so much thrown at us over the past 7 or 8 years, but surely things have to change for the better don’t they?

I went to the doctors recently and although my blood pressure was pretty good up to Christmas, after the turn of the year its steadily risen, nay, soared, and on my last visit (the day after the Millwall home defeat), my blood count nearly blew the poor old doctor through the window. I blamed it on Leeds United of course, but he seemed to want to blame the Shiraz. I’ll ask for a different doctor next time. If I’m still here. All I can say is that it’s a good job I didn’t have to go back to the health centre after the Swindon home game, otherwise I’m certain that they’d have carted me straight off to ER (no, not Elland Road).

Even at the Yeovil game, they made us Leeds supporters sweat. We were coasting away with a comfortable 2-0 lead and Naylor looking for a hat-trick. Then what do Leeds do? They allow Yeovil back into the game with a goal and we spent the last 25 minutes hoofing the ball out of our penalty area. Thankfully our long journey home was a pleasant one, accompanied with a very nice Shiraz (sorry doc).

The only thing for certain over the next few weeks is that the Leeds fans will stick with the team. OK you’ll get one or two non-believers falling by the wayside and heading for Ikea on a Saturday afternoon (and if that’s not an incentive to support your team, I don’t know what is) but by and large, the support will be as strong as ever.

Ps what’s the betting for a Leeds/Huddersfield Play-Off Final at Wembley?

Leeds notched up a priceless 3 points against Southend, but the big talking point was once again centred around Jermaine Beckford. Whatever the different opinions of him are, there is no doubt in my mind that the players seemed to play better once he’d left the field after being substituted by Simon Grayson.

Keep them fingers and stuff crossed, its going to be a bumpy landing.

February Blog

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick to death of hearing about the John Terry affair.

I don’t read tabloids (apart from the day after the cup win at Old Trafford when the shop assistant had to get a trolley to help me out with a pile of newspapers so high I had to make two trips to the car). I avoid this type of gossip like the plague, but it has been absolutely impossible not to catch snippets of this so-called despicable affair. Quite frankly, I couldn’t give a monkeys chuff about Terry, Wayne Bridge or that French lingerie model, Vanessa Phelps or whatever they call her. Even reading snippets, its impossible not to notice that the French model is a man-eater and gold digger. She was a £100 a night escort at that well-known Chelsea players haunt, the Elysium night-club. So its not surprising that she’s been linked with no less than six Chelsea players in the past few years. But the only two reasons that I’ve had the slightest of interest in this saga are;

Number 1- John Terry is possibly one of the best defenders in the country (after Paddy Kisnorbo and Richard Naylor) so for Fabio Capello to replace him as captain of England by someone so full of adverse baggage as the infamous, wobbly lipped Rio Ferdinand is staggering. I used to follow England all over the place. I was virtually an ever present at Wembley in the 70’s, 80’s and part of the 90’s. And I enjoyed three glorious weeks in Spain for the 1982 World Cup. I really started to fall out with England when players representing their country became more and more interested in how much they were getting paid to play for England than wearing the shirt. That shirt alone should have been their wage and each and every one of them bursting with pride when wearing it.

Number 2 – In a crafty bid to get even more publicity and of course, cash, man lover Vanessa teamed with that well-known lover of pound notes, PR man Max Clifford. You remember old Max don’t you? He was brought in by Peter Ridsdale to ‘work his magic on Leeds United’s tarnished image’ back in August 2002. Starting at £10,000 a month, Clifford told Leeds fans, “I’m hoping I can give your club the recognition it deserves – the right kind of recognition”. He hailed Peter Ridsdale as the best chairman in the Premiership and new Leeds manager, Terry ‘El Tel’ Venables as English football’s best coach. He added, “I think there are some

exciting times ahead.” He wasn’t feckin’ kiddin’.

Our club spiralled like a 100mph-lead balloon, crashing through two divisions with millions upon millions of pounds flying out of our windows left, right and centre. Of course none of this money managed to hit the floor. Many, many people profited from our disaster Clifford, Ridsdale, Venables, Professor McKenzie, the owner of the local goldfish shop and others too countless to mention here.

Its also interesting to note that among Clifford’s clients was one of my former heroes, Geoff Boycott. He became an ex-hero of mine when he declared his love for that lot over the Pennines.

Another of Clifford’s clients?  - OJ Simpson.

See you next time folks.

January Blog

Hope you had a good Yuletide and Happy New Year to each and everyone of you.

The last time we sat at the top of the League on New Years Day was back in those days in the Premiership after beating West Ham 3-0 at Elland Road. Leeds were top of the League as we entered the new Millennium, a feat which obviously escaped the media’s attention then and now. Hopefully, under the guidance of our superb manager those good old days could soon be on the way back.

I’ve not had so much trust in a manager since the days of Howard Wilkinson.

Simon Grayson has done a tremendous job so far and all Leeds fans will be hoping that this will be the first step in our climb back to former glories.

Sergeant Wilko was a great manager, and he undoubtedly put Leeds back into the limelight as Second Division Champions and then onto League Champions, but unfortunately just when things were going so well, he had some sort of mental blockage and replaced David Batty with Carlton Palmer. We very narrowly escaped relegation the season after we won the league and never won a game away all season. He brought in 84 year old Ian Rush, and actually appeared to play for a draw in the disastrous Football League Cup Final against Aston Villa in 1996.

Thankfully Howard seems to be making a good recovery and is currently overseeing things down at Hillsborough. Good luck there then Sarge.

Back to Simon Grayson. I was lucky enough to be invited to have Christmas Lunch with Ken Bates and his missus, Suzannah. Also there were Peter Lorimer and Eddie Gray and also Simon Grayson and his missus, who is from Kippax and we had a good old chat about the estate on which we were both brought up.

I chewed the fat with Simon over a glass of wine and of course offered my help with team selection should he ever need it. Joining in the conversation then was Eddie Gray, and he went away with one of my decorating cards for some work he wants doing in the summer. Well, what can you say about our recent jaunt across the Pennines?

Before the game, red sites were littered apparently with quotes calling us ‘cup minnows’. Take that fergie – tee-hee.

I was literally bursting with pride to see fans, players and staff alike celebrating like a load of loonies on the pitch at the Theatre of White Dreams.

It was a thoroughly professional performance and obviously Simon Grayson had taken some of my advice over team selection and it worked well.

I just can’t stop smiling.

To cap it all, my mate Mark bought a round of drinks for us on Sunday night back at the Moorgate. He’d put a fiver on Leeds to win 1-0 with Beckford getting the only goal. He pocketed around £500

I know manchester united aren’t a particularly big team, but it was nice to reach the fourth round of the FA Cup for the first time for God knows how long. And we can all now look forward to a little trip down to the ‘smoke’ for our tie with a reasonable Tottenham side bolstered by more than one ex-Leeds United player.

So fingers crossed, the ‘Treble’ is on.

All the best.

December Blog

I’ve reminisced before about my fascination for hearses, I’ve had four in total over the years.

My first one was an old Austin, then I’ve had a Princess, another Austin and then a 1964 Zodiac.

The first one was used mainly as a run-around and I used to drive to the Leeds home games in it, carrying 12 or 14 lads in the back. The police used to remove their helmets as I drove down Lowfields Road and into the car park – it was all quite civilised.

My last hearse, the Zodiac, was perhaps my favourite and attracted the most attention. Along with a few mates and the local garage I customised it. I used to take it to shows up and down the country, and scooped quite a few awards doing so. It was quite an eye opener. It had black velvet curtains on brass rails. Phantom side pipe exhausts. A coffin of course and a fully stocked bar, complete with optics. Green lights used to shine on the coffin at night.

I was once driving home through the centre of Leeds very late one evening and was stood at some traffic lights. There was two of us in the front dressed in full undertakers outfits complete with top hats, white faces, black gloves and white face paint on. In the back, my mate Butter dozed off in the coffin.

With the lights still at red a Morris 1000 pulled up alongside us. Driving it was some kind of nurse or mid-wife.

She looked across at us very strangely indeed. I just smiled back at her. Just then Butter awoke and pushed the lid up from the coffin. The poor old nurse was so shocked that she drove straight through the red lights and I swear that if there had been another car crossing in front of her, she would have ploughed straight into it. 

The Zodiac had a straight 6 engine under the bonnet and couldn’t half shift.

I’ve driven it down many a drag strip at well over 100-mph with the Jolly Roger proudly flying from the Ariel.

You’ll see a couple of pictures of the Zodiac. One from an article that appeared in Custom Car magazine and another one of some young lads helping me, looking disturbingly like Peter Sutcliffe into the back. I’m happy to report that all the youngsters weren’t affected by the ordeal and all have grown up to be healthy Leeds fans. 

I miss my hearses.

I’d like to mention this month, if I may, a calendar that our Branch has produced.

We’ve produced a calendar that, quite frankly, it is not suitable for those of a nervous disposition. It contains scenes of nudity that should only be viewed on an empty stomach.

Theres a lad weighing near to a ton sat astride his motorbike wearing nothing but his Leeds scarf. Referring to this particular picture, Leeds United favourite Andy Ritchie recently said on Radio Leeds, “This lad will have to have that bike surgically removed I think.” Then as he turned to the next month he clapped his eyes on our chairwoman laid on her front, briefly covered by a small Leeds scarf, showing much more than just a smile. “On the other hand he said, he’s got somewhere to park his bike!”

Butter, who I mentioned earlier sleeping in my coffin, appears in December, hanging out of his JCB with just his Leeds scarf to spare his blushes. He asked his mate one lunch brake if he’d take his picture with his Leeds scarf on, to which his mate readily agreed to do. He got the shock of his life when he looked up from the camera and saw Butter baring all and sundry. He shares his page with Jeff, who bared all on the way back from an away game with just a wine bottle left to cover his ‘penalty area’. November introduces you to one of our members, excuse the pun, who regularly tours Afghanistan with the forces. He’s currently enjoying a spell on leave and watching his beloved Leeds United.

Yours truly is on the front cover, so thankfully I get turned over at the start and you never see me again.

All proceeds from the calendar will go to Gary Kelly’s Cancer Trust in Drogheda, Ireland and the Leeds Fans Remembrance fund, which, in memory of Kevin Speight and Chris Loftus is collecting for the Candlelighters, a charity for children with cancer. Calendars are £7 each and can be bought from the Peacock pub at every home game and also by email vickyleeds@yahhoo.co.uk

Thanks for your support and a very Happy ‘White’ Christmas. See you next year.

November Blog

The one that got away.

All the time I’ve been writing the column in the matchday programme, only one has ever been rejected.

A mate of mine runs a, er…how shall we say….”Adult Recreation Complex” in Venezuela in South America.  He’d sent me pictures of his ‘employees’ and not to pussy foot around – they were gorgeous.

My mate and owner, Paul is obviously a Leeds fan and got all his girls to pose for pictures in Leeds United shirts and Leeds United flags. And they really were quite good. Too good to keep to myself, so I decided to write a column incorporating the pictures and ‘disguising’ their trade so as not to offend youngsters and Ned Flanders types.

I also included the website for the complex although I really didn’t think this would make it through the cutting room floor. I had visions of the younger boy’s element dashing home from the game, running up to and locking themselves in their bedroom before switching on the computer. Only to be met by a pair of the biggest bazookas they had ever seen!

The editor Neil Jeffries told me that he liked the column very much but didn’t think the website address would be appropriate for publication. But, to my amazement, the rest of the column “would be ok”.  

I was delighted – but then only days before the publication deadline, he contacted me again with this email:

“Gary,

Shame about the first version of the Hartlepool column! You heard, I guess, that Ken’s (Bates) deputy Jayne McGuiness laughed out loud and declared it “the funniest thing she’d ever read in a programme” - before she said we shouldn’t run it ?!?

Anyway, thought you might like a proof of how it would have looked.

Neil”

So, here exclusively to the Cleethorpes Whites is the original unedited version – “The one that got away”

October Blog

It goes without saying that the 1980’s wasn’t a particularly great period for the Leeds team and fans. It was littered with heartbreak and ‘nearlies’.

Towards the end of the 80’s however a man breezed into Elland Road and changed the course of Leeds United to a position that not one Leeds fan could have dreamt about. Howard Wilkinson is a quiet man with a very dry sense of humour, but he was also a brilliant tactician.

Names such as Vinne Jones, Mel Sterland, Gordon Strachan, Gary McAllister and many more were brought in. Vinnie in particular became a firm favourite with the Leeds faithful and was one of the main reasons for our escape finally from division two. I felt a bit sorry for Vinnie when he was forced out of the club during the season following promotion in 1989-90. He still remains a hero to Leeds fans and is fondly remembered for his services to this great club.

A three year period saw Leeds, quite remarkably, gain promotion from the old second division and two years later win the League Championship beating, erm, who was it now, its on the tip of my tongue, into second place – 4 points behind. Things didn’t quite carry on as expected after that and as Mr Wilkinson developed some weird state of mind, we plummeted and the season after winning the title in style, we escaped relegation by one single point. Not winning one single game away from home.

A steady climb followed over the years and after the departure of Wilkinson, the glory days almost returned - but not quite.

The reason for bringing the events of 1989 and onwards to mind are because it is 20 years ago this very year and without wishing to tempt fate, you get the idea that things could slowly be beginning to change for Leeds United Football Club once again.

So as not to bring bad luck to the club I won’t dwell too much on the present day goings on, suffice to say that Simon Grayson has to be commended on the way he has set about his task in returning Leeds to their former glory days. Hopefully more can be said at the end of the season.

During the season of 1989, a similar resurgence was taking place in my little village of Kippax. – 8 miles east of Leeds.

I, and some of the lads formed a new football team after the break up of my existing one – Royal Oak AFC. From the mid 70-s to the late 80’s the Oak was a very successful team winning everything in front of it at a very consistent rate. But it finally ran its course and sadly dispersed and a few other teams were formed out of it. I opted for the Kippax Commercial FC and we began life in the lower regions of the Castleford and District league.

Alongside Leeds United we climbed up the leagues and in the same season as Leeds lifted the coveted League Championsh ip, the Commercial lifted the Castleford Premier League Cup and League Double.

The picture you see is our first season in Division 3, and I’m happy to say everyone you see in the team line up bar none is a staunch Leeds fan.

Who’s that handsome fella in goal?

See you next time.

September Blog

Back in the late 70’s Leeds were managed by a certain Jimmy Adamson. To begin with, there was slight unrest amongst the Leeds fans but this was to escalate at a very fast pace.

I was part of this rebellion, but to fully understand the fans feelings, the full story must be told:

JimmyArmfield was the manager in the mid 70’s (replacing Brian Clough). He took Leeds to the 1975 European Cup Final as well as an FA Cup semi-final and a League Cup semi final. It must be said that the board of directors has never been particularly impressive at Leeds United and this era was no exception. Don Howe was ‘Gentleman Jim’s’ assistant and they made a great team. Armfield was the tactics man and Howe kept the players in check. However when Howe left to take the managers job at Arsenal, things began to worsen, as certain players were less attentive to Armfield as they were to Howe. This was definitely apparent to the majority of supporters although admittedly we didn’t have the full details to hand. Armfield was given the job of dismantling the great Don Revie team, which obviously was no mean feat. It was going to be a slow process, but Armfield set about the task, bringing in such stars as Tony Currie, Brian Flynn and Arthur Graham. Unfortunately for Jim, the board became impatient and sacked Armfield replacing him with the legendary Jock Stein after the first game of the 1978-9 season.

On the face of it, Jock Stein looked a good appointment, but it was common knowledge that Stein was interested only in the Scotland job, where present manager Ally McLeod was having a really torrid time and was hanging on by the skin of his teeth. In the meantime, Stein agreed to come to Leeds, but refused to sign a contract and after 44 days in charge (the same as Clough) at Elland Road, he left to take the now vacant Scotland manager’s job. Enter the Geordie, Mr Adamson.

The Leeds fans were furious with the board and vented their anger, but in fairness Adamson didn’t get off to too bad a start, guiding Leeds United into Europe. It soon became clear however that he couldn’t sustain this momentum. Leeds top scorer John Hawley was sold and replaced by the relatively inferior Derek Parlane. Adamson then sold Frank Gray and Tony Currie and brought in Brian Greenhoff and an Argentinean called Alex Sabella, neither of who made any impression.

By now the ‘Adamson Out’ brigade was out in force at every game. I was present at every demonstration outside the ground at both home and away matches. After the home game against Coventry in March 1980 had ended in a goallesss draw, hundreds of fans gathered outside the back of the West Stand and mounted police had to break up a demonstration that had reached fever pitch. This was to become the norm for weeks to come.

On a more light-hearted note, at the time the Ripper was still on the loose - No that’s not the light-hearted bit!…..

Everyone thought the Ripper was a Geordie because of the famous hoax tape, and the police would come into the pubs in the city playing this tape of the man reputed to be the ‘Ripper’ to see if anyone recognised the voice. At every pub the police would meet with the shouts of, ‘That’s Jimmy Adamson. Lock him up – please.’

The start of the following season wasn’t any better either. The first game was at Elland Road against Aston Villa. A few of us had decided to take the protest inside the ground, and we made a large banner saying simply,  ‘Adamson Out’

At the start of the game a mate, Butter, and me got onto the barrier and unfurled our banner (a large picture of this is displayed on the wall in the Peacock pub). Understandably, it received a mixed reaction, and when Leeds went ahead through a Byron Stevenson penalty, some abuse was hurled our way. We stood firm and got back on the barrier and showed the flag once again. A number of coins and other objects were thrown in our direction. I hated going ‘against’ the club, but we firmly believed that what we were doing was the right thing and we weren’t going to take this lying down. So Butter and I jumped from the barrier and went off in the direction of where the coins seemed to be coming from to ‘vent our anger’, others from our group followed. Minor scuffles broke out here and there, and just then, Villa equalised. The mood changed slightly and then almost immediately, Villa went in front. We jumped back on our barrier and once again the flag was raised aloft.

After a very short time, thankfully, the rest of the Kop seemed to be behind us, and loud chants of “Adamson Out!” rang out, this was then echoed in the South Stand and then all around the ground.

Eventually, in October 1980, Adamson bowed to public pressure and resigned leaving full time football behind him for good.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, irreparable damage had already been done, and worse was to happen a couple of years down the line.

August Blog

About two or three years ago, I was working high on a roof when my phone rang. I was unable to get to it in time to answer, so I played the message back that had been left.

It was a very low voice and I struggled to hear what had been said. I played it back a number of times and all I could make out was at the end – it said, “ anyway I can’t talk now as I’m driving 90 miles an hour down the M1, I’ll ring you back later.”

I still couldn’t work out who the caller was and then all of a sudden the penny dropped and I played it back. It was Ken Bates. But I still didn’t know what he wanted.

He hadn’t left a number of course so I couldn’t contact him and I still had no idea what he wanted. Perhaps he was going to ban me from the games?

Two days later a letter arrived from Ken Bates.

He wanted copies of my books, Paint it White and The Second Coat. I felt that despite not being able to afford any players, surely he could afford two books. Anyway, I arranged for the publishers to send him two and some time later I received another letter from him saying, “Thanks for the books. I thoroughly enjoyed them. It was great to hear the thoughts of an ordinary fan.” Thanks Ken…I think.

Then about a week later, I received an invitation to Ken’s birthday party at Elland Road the following Sunday.

I told the missus, Lesley, that it must be a mistake, but we’d turn up anyway.

As we arrived at the doors of the Bremner Suite, I said to Lesley, ‘He won’t have a clue who we are, but there’ll be some snap and a few beers in it eh?

Ken and Suzannah, Bates met us a t the door.

“Here he is, Mr Paint it White,” said Ken as one of his men took our coats.

“And you must be Wub?” said Suzannah to Lesley, “I’ve heard all about you, come sit down,” Ken led me to another table and poured me a glass of champagne and we joined the two girls at their table where there was about 7 or 8 others. There were no players there and there was probably around 50 others in the room. 

Later as I sampled the biggest dressed lobster I’d ever seen, Ken leaned over and said to me, “Is it true you got arrested for painting a fire engine white?”

I laughed and replied, ‘No, not really. It was part of an advertising campaign from the sponsors of the club at the time, Whyte and Mackay. I had to arrive at the local fire station and appear to be painting one of their fire engines white with my huge roller. All the time I was pictured being accosted by firemen attempting to stop me. It was all pretty silly really.

Another campaign I became involved in with them was to be pictured in my bathroom wearing only my Leeds United towel. This was embarrassing to say the least. There were three men all with cameras, photographing me in the bath, stood at the top of the stairs in just my towel and the one with me stood at the sink in my towel. This was the one that appeared on the back page of the matchday programme and the Leeds Leeds Leeds magazine. At the time I remember saying to these blokes, who seemed to be getting really exited photographing me, “Are you sure this is for a whisky advert?”

All I got was £50 and 2 bottles of whisky.

Meanwhile back at the party, things were going very well. There was a constant supply of free wine, and I said to Suzannah, “Can I get you and Ken a beer from the bar?” She said that she was ok thanks, and all Ken ever drank was white wine. And plenty of it I might add!

Then three well-dressed blokes came into the room and began singing opera.

“These are ‘our boys’, we take them everywhere,” said Suzannah proudly.

It’s not my cup of tea but I have to admit they were pretty good. Especially when they sang ‘Marching on Together in ‘opera’. It was mind-blowing.

Then as they were stood on three different tables singing away, Ken gestured to one of the bar staff. Then all their microphones went off and all the telly’s around the room came on. With the three singers all tapping their mikes confused, the FA Cup draw appeared on TV. Leeds drew West Brom away and the telly’s went off and the singers mikes came back on. Bizzarre.

As we all got a bit drunk, Gary Kaye, the resident poet at Leeds United, and me cornered a drunken Ken and asked him what his plans for the club were. He reached for a napkin and scribbled loads of figures down he then muttered something, which we couldn’t hear and he then passed the napkin to me. I couldn’t make head nor tail of it. I’ve still got it and I still can’t understand it.

I asked Ken why Dennis Wise wasn’t there, with him being part of the family and all.

He told me that after every game Wise travelled down to London to watch his boy play football and never stayed in Leeds. It came as no surprise then when he scarpered to London as Newcastle scout at the first opportunity 

July Blog

If God really does exist, Leeds would have won the European Cup in Paris in 1975. A gigantic bolt of lightening should have been delivered as soon as referee Michel Kitabdjian ruled out Peter Lorimer’s thunderbolt or even earlier than that when he waved play-on when Franz Beckenbauer felled Allan Clarke in the six-yard box. Leeds would certainly have won the 1973 European Cup Winners Cup in the final with AC Milan, if we are to believe in the Almighty.

You more astute of you out there may have already detected that I’m not really a true Christian. That said, I’ve no wish to offend those who do believe in God. I admire them really.

My only religion is Leeds United Football Club.

I undoubtedly spend more time pursuing my passion than even the most fervent of Christian churchgoers.

My life has been devoted to my football club, just as a monk or a nun devotes their life to their beliefs. I actually took part in a documentary for the BBC a couple of years ago, when I was asked to meet a monk and take him to a game at Elland Road.

Father Cadfan from Hereford Priory totally enjoyed his day on the Kop, despite never having ventured further than the outskirts of Hereford before. Father Cadfan understood completely, my worship of Leeds United, but the following day he was ‘working the fields’ at the Priory at 4am, at the very same time I was sleeping off a few matchday/night beers.

I have tried to believe in God on a number of occasions. I offered myself to the cross on a remote island off the coast of Benidorm back in the 70’s and used to dress regularly as Jesus Christ, complete with a 12 foot cross, for private functions, most notably, the annual get-together of the famous Flat Earth Society. In the cross I had a telephone installed, but not once did ‘He’ call me.

I also, and I kid you not, visited my local church when Leeds were hovering at the foot of the Premiership in 2004. Despite a few silent prayers, we were relegated from the Premiership followed shortly by a drop into the 3^rd division.

Cheers God.

Leeds United, and in particular our great manager Don Revie, were deeply superstitious. When Don heard that gypsies had previously camped on the site of Elland Road. When the gypsies were moved on to make way for the building of the stadium, they allegedly placed a curse on the club. Don visited Gypsy Rose Lee in the late 60’s and asked her to lift the curse. Months later, Leeds began to win the first of their many trophies.

But has the curse returned?

How can four completely different Leeds teams perform so badly on the big occasion, namely the recent play-off finals etc and the 1996 League Cup final at Wembley against a relatively poor Aston Villa side?

Maybe I should get my sandals, robe and crown of thorns back on and have another word with ‘Him’ and see if I can bring some good luck back. My God this club and the supporters deserve it.

Finally, I see we’ve not been exactly busy in the pre-season transfer market. Maybe Ken’s a little bit strapped for cash at the minute.

To help him, I’m going to send him some Green Shield stamps so we can buy a top striker from a non-league club or something.

Come on Leeds. This time please.

Junes Blog

As I write this, it is 34 years to the day since our one and only appearance in a European Cup Final. I won’t dwell on that evening in Paris, suffice to say, the referee, Monsieur Michel Kitabdjian (who I am currently in dialogue with regarding my new book) is French, and if that isn’t enough - he made some diabolical decisions that night, dismissing a couple of certain penalties (and believe me, that’s not a biased assessment - TV and press pictures prove it beyond doubt). Most importantly though, he disallowed a Peter Lorimer volley, after initially giving the goal only to be persuaded by a certain Franz Beckenbauer that he really shouldn’t allow it.

On our march to that final in 1975, we disposed of some top European sides, including Barcelona in the semi-final, which leads me neatly on to this years European (Champions League) Cup Final. You’ve got to laugh aint ya?

To be honest, I avoided the match that night by going to the pictures to watch the new  Star Trek movie. As I walked out afterwards and turned my phone back on, it lit up like a Christmas Tree. Our dear chums, manchester united were losing 2-0 and there were only 20 minutes left. So it was off to the nearest pub to watch the finale.

Of course, I fully expected ‘fergies famous injury time’ to be added on, meaning that the following mornings milkman would arrive before the game would finish. But happily Ferguson doesn’t have the same hold on European referees as he does on our trusty Premiership officials.

So after a disappointing end of season for us, we needed something to have a chuckle about.

So on that theme, I’d like to share some of my all time favourite laughs about the 2009 CL runners up.

First a couple of texts – apologies if you’ve heard them or the following jokes – but I feel they are worth repeating. Of course out of all due respect I haven’t capitalised their name.

For Sale  50,000 Champions League Winners Shirts. 1p each. Not used. Go to www.overconfidentgitsmufc.com

WELDER WANTED – Job Description – To weld roof back onto double decker bus – apply to Mr A Ferguson – manchester.

Q – What does a manchester united fan use for birth control?

A – Their personality

Q – What do you have when 100 manchester united fans are buried up to their necks in sand?

A – Not enough sand.

Q – If you see a man utd fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to avoid him?

A – It may be your bicycle.

Q – What’s the difference between a female man utd fan and a pit bull?

A – Lipstick.

Q – What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead manchester united fan in the road?

A – There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q – What do you call 5,000 dead manchester united fans at the bottom of the ocean?

A – A good start.

Q – You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a manchester united fan. You have two bullets. What should you do?

A – Shoot the manchester united fan – twice.

Q – What do manchester united fans and sperm have in common?

A – One in 3 million have a chance of becoming a human being.

Q – Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a manchester united fan from manchester and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it?

A – The old drunk of course, all the others are mythical creatures.

Q – What do you call 20 man utd fans skydiving from an aeroplane?

A – Diahorrea.

And finally, my favourite: A man meets a friend and sees that his friends car is a total write off and covered with leaves, mud, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?”

“Well,” the Friend responds, “ I ran over Alex Ferguson.”

“Ok,” says the man, “ that explains the blood, what about the leaves, grass, dirt and branches?”

“Well, he tried to escape through the park.”

Thanks for reading see you next month.

May’s Blog

CLEETHORPES MAY 09

How is it that there is almost a whole division between Leeds and Hull City? (for now at any rate)

What happened? In 2007 we were both in the bottom three of league one, fighting each other for the right to claw out of the relegation zone. On 30th January 2007 Leeds travelled to McTavish or something stadium. Leeds were second from bottom, Hull were third from bottom. Leeds won 2-1 and dropped to the bottom of the division. To this day I can’t get to grips with that!

As we know, Hull went on to escape the drop and we went down.

The following season Hull bizarrely went up into the Premiership and we lost the play-off final to remain in the 3^rd division.

The night before that play-off final, we were staying in a hotel in Hemel Hempstead and next morning came down to breakfast to discover that a few Hull fans were staying in our hotel. The day before, they’d won promotion in their game and they didn’t attempt to hide their smug little faces as they crunched their Cornflakes.

It was at that precise moment, as I snarled at my bacon, that a horrible feeling came over me about our forthcoming final that afternoon against Doncaster Rovers. A couple of years previous, I had the same feeling in my hotel in Cardiff before the Watford final.

Of course, once again we are in the play-offs and at the time of writing this, we are lining up for an away game at Millwall in the first semi with the 2^nd leg at Elland Road the following Thursday. Also of course, by the end of this month we will all know our fate. God help us (if you do, it’ll be the first time!).

To be honest, I’m getting fed up with the bloody play-offs. Back in 1987 we overcame a stubborn Oldham side over two legs. With a minute remaining of the second leg at Oldham, and with the score 2-1 to Oldham on aggregate, Keith Edwards stabbed the ball home to send Leeds through to the final on the away goals rule. Tommy Wright had only recently switched sides from Leeds to Oldham and was crying his little eyes out on the touchline at the end as the Leeds masses danced with glee. But we didn’t have time to stop and gloat as we had a final against Charlton to contend.

This was the first time ever, that the play-off system was used and it was a 2-legged final, home and away. It was also a different system 32 years ago. Then, the top two teams from the old second division (Championship) went up and two went down from the old first division (Premiership) You still with me? Then the team who had just avoided relegation, joined the teams who had finished 3^rd, 4^th and 5^th in the second division in the play-offs.  The aggregate score after two games in our final remained at 1-1, so a replay was scheduled for St Andrews, Birmingham.

Thousands upon thousands of United’s followers crammed into St Andrews on Friday night, 29^th May. 

With 20 minutes remaining, a superb free-kick by John Sheridan put Leeds in the lead. But cruelly, Charlton, who quite frankly had under performed all evening, eventually equalised and with one minute left on the clock scored the winner to send the 47 (1 coach) Charlton fans ecstatic.

After the game the tearful Leeds players ran to the Leeds fans all around the ground and threw everything, and I mean everything bar their jock straps into the crowd. And even then, I’m sure that Neil Aspin threw that into the crowd as well!

That same season, you may recall, we had lost to Coventry City 3-2 in the semi-final of the FA Cup at Hillsborough. Its not often mentioned, but for Coventry’s winner in extra time, Keith Houchen  was miles offside. He’s actually stood behind Mervyn Day. If you get chance, look at the footage of an old Leeds video and see for yourself.

The Leeds manager that season was none other than the great Billy Bremner – and my heart truly went out to Billy, as well as to the dedicated fans of our club.

And so that brings us to yet another play-off. Painfully, our record isn’t that great in the play-offs – is it?

Surely this has got to be fourth time lucky – hasn’t it?

Come on Leeds.

April’s Blog

I hate referees with a passion and after witnessing that idiot, Mr Williamson in ‘charge’ of the home win against Scunthorpe, you’ll probably understand why. There have been one or two referees worthy of note over the years but I’ll come to them a little later.

The much talked about ‘Beckford Incident’ at home against Millwall, reinforces the argument that not only are today’s referees totally incompetent – they are cowards too. This particular referee, Alan Wiley, booked Beckford for an elbow, bringing a huge sigh of relief around Elland Road. Leeds paid the price for it been televised on Sky however and their ‘impartial’ comments led to intervention from the FA. This resulted in the referee, who realised very quickly that he could be penalised too, ‘bottling it‘ and saying he hadn’t seen the elbow and had booked Beckford for a push. You must assume then, that he didn’t see their keeper elbow Beckford either. It’s a complete farce – and more often than not, we’re on the receiving end. I remember a referee a few years ago, Dermott Gallagher, revealing to a couple of mates of mine that he was a Leeds United fan.

He made the comment when they met him in a hotel bar in Japan during the 2002 World Cup. Without doubt some of his decisions in favour of Leeds demonstrated his support for ‘his team’. During one League encounter at Old Trafford, he refused to send off Robbie Keane after he pushed over David Beckham (good ‘on him I say). Then of course he famously ruled out a Crystal Palace equaliser in an FA Cup-tie there in 2003 when it had clearly crossed the line, and this even after Michael Duberry had handled the ball before it went over the line. Leeds went on to win 2-1 (ha-ha).  

All this of course didn’t go unnoticed by a certain person at Old Trafford and subsequently Gallagher was relegated from the Premier League to the Football League for not sending Keane off at Old Trafford.  When Gallagher was next in charge of a Leeds game – the man had clearly been warned of his alleged bias. It was for a Leeds v Birmingham clash at Elland Road a couple of months later. With the score standing at 0-0 and with Leeds well on top, Gallagher awarded Birmingham a penalty for an innocuous challenge from Roque Junior.  The Brazilian was sent off and 4 Leeds players were booked in all.

David Dunn took the kick but aimed it straight at Paul Robinson. As the Leeds players celebrated, Gallagher ordered the kick to be retaken. This time, Savage took the kick and scored. You can imagine the scenes that followed. With Leeds still seething over decisions against them, David Dunn scored a second for Birmingham, a goal which TV footage showed clearly afterwards to be yards offside. Gallagher had obviously been ‘got at’ and for the man who was described in the press as ‘something of a talisman for Leeds United’ his so-called love affair with Leeds was over.  And just to ascertain that he truly wasn’t a Leeds fan, he said in a recent magazine interview that, ‘I’ve always had a soft spot for m********* u*****.’ I kid you not Ladies and Gentlemen! He even claimed that he had got their name tattooed on his leg, but this was never verified. 

So let’s have a look at what we have left in terms of an adequate referee. In truth, what are we left with are the likes of- Durkin, Poll, Winter, Dowd….No Thanks!

In my humble opinion there is not one single competent, consistent referee in the whole league. Take that joker who decided to halt Leeds’ march up the table last season at Gillingham. Leeds had wiped out the unjust 15 points deduction (don’t get me started on that), so the question was, “How do we stop Leeds? I know, their two strikers have been scoring for fun…let’s take ‘em out. Simple.” Both Kandol and Beckford were sent off in the same game. I know this all sounds biased, but bear with me.

Does anyone remember the FA Cup game at Barnsley in 1991? ‘Grinning’ George Courtney was the man in the middle that day at Oakwell.

Leeds were winning 1-0 and Barnsley were desperately chasing for an equaliser. In the dying seconds one of their forwards took a wild shot that was going high and miles off target. Then the Barnsley winger, bizarrely jumped up and with both arms, directed the ball down into the path of the forward who struck the ball instinctively and the ball flew into the back of our net. Interestingly, running the line in the replay at Elland Road was none other than Jeff Winter. He was the one you will recall at Anfield who allowed a Liverpool goal against us to stand when it was clearly offside. As part of my research for the next book, ‘No Glossing Over It’, I’m currently in dialogue with Jeff Winter and he avoided making any comment regarding that ‘goal’ other than to say, “I enjoyed a love hate relationship with Leeds manager, Peter Reid. But that turned to more of hate than love after I allowed an offside goal to stand at Anfield. So it was offside then, Jeff? Staying at Anfield, remember that comedian of a referee who, when Liverpool’s Patrik Berger scored at the Liverpool kop end, he leapt up in the air and punched the sky? His explanation? “I was merely happy because I’d allowed a good advantage.” said the comedian/referee, Mike Reed.

I can tell you now that the Leeds team and supporters didn’t quite see it like that. 

Now, I realise that any fan could go back and say they were robbed here and robbed there, but I defy any fan in the world to compare their record to ours.

One referee who never replied to my phone calls, emails and letters was Ray Tinkler. That’s hardly surprising, when you consider that this was the man who was solely responsible for allowing a ‘twice offside’ goal by West Brom to stand at Elland Road in 1971. He ignored two offside flags from his linesman to allow a goal that gave West Brom the win and deprived Leeds of yet another title win. We were runners up to Arsenal by a point and we had a better goal average. The mini riot that followed Tinkler’s performance meant that Leeds were made to play their first four home games away from Elland Road. Tinkler never refereed a Leeds game again. 

The following season, a chap called Mr Gow from Swansea got in on the action. 

Leeds were forced by the Football Association to play a vital last league game at Wolves just 48 hours after they had lifted the FA Cup at Wembley. Leeds needed only a point to clinch the League and Cup double. But of course that never happened. A string of diabolical decisions by Gow helped Wolves to a 2-1 victory. Ironically, when the press once again rounded on Leeds during that era, many of them cited that game as one that Don Revie and his team had attempted to bribe the Wolves players. Revie fought the allegations and won substantial compensation.

An observer on that fateful Monday night was referee Roger Kirkaptrick.

He told me recently that ‘Leeds never stood a chance against some poor officiating.’ Mr Kirkaptrick was a long time admirer of Revie’s Leeds, as was another referee from that era, Jim Finney.

He said that ‘Leeds and Don Revie were a very professional and much misunderstood team, they were without doubt the finest team in Europe, if not the world, during their 10 year domination.’ Another contributor to my research was Jack Taylor. He too openly admitted to admiring the Leeds team of that era. Taylor was the referee for the 1974 World Cup Final in Germany and was of course famous for awarding the Dutch a penalty in the very first minute. Perhaps not surprisingly the Germans won 2-1.

Alas, there simply isn’t enough room to go into the many controversies in our games in Europe over the years, but suffice to say, I’m currently talking with the referee from the infamous 1975 European Cup Final in Paris against Bayern Munich.

Unfortunately the referee who so clearly robbed Leeds of victory in the 1973 European Cup Winners Cup Final in Salonika against AC Milan has proved elusive. Christos Michas was banned for life amid bribery allegations, his fellow Greek countrymen were supporting Leeds that evening and were said to be ‘ashamed’ of the referees performance.

Hopefully the reason he’s not got back to me is that he’s holding up a Greek motorway flyover somewhere.